Judgemental
A new comic, from a recent exchange, and it went kind of like this, but not in person, and no, she didn’t accuse me of being judgmental, but her body language and stuttering said it all. When you know that someone has planned to breastfeed and then you see them (months later) out and about with a bottle of formula, what do you say? Do you have something wise at-the-ready? Or do you change the subject and talk about the weather? Do you feel judgmental, or helpful (and is helpful just another side of the judgmental coin?), or outraged, or resigned?
When I see someone who wanted to breastfeed out with a bottle I am more sad than anything. Sad they bought into the lies that their body is broken, or that they didn’t have the support system to get past a tough spot, or that they didn’t have someone to ask questions to and assure them that things are normal. Or worst of all sad that they where told there was no “fix” for their issue.
I personally know three mom’s who’ve had this happen to them. Two of them are huge breastfeeding advocates and I think plan to try again the next time around. I feel for the other mom because I do not think she will try again. Her culture and family have so many superstitions and she believes them.
It’s sad! Frustrating, but mostly sad!
I never know what to say. I want to bring it up and offer help for next time, but fear it will come off condescending or like “if you just tried harder you’d be breastfeeding right now.”
i feel the same way, bethany. i am not really sure what to say. i mean i know that there are women out there who do truly have no ability to make milk, but it is really so rare… i think most of the time the mom got crappy advice, little support and sort of gave in to the fear that they would starve their baby. it is just so sad, sad for the baby, but i think mostly for the mom who now believes she doesn’t work right.
I feel bummed and hide it. I always compliment them on what’s going well. If there’s an opening, I might ask if they are still nursing at all in case they are the type to bottle feed in public or are worried the kid’s not getting enough and just need some encouragement to leave the bottles. But if they are done, then I leave it alone, keep my mouth shut and my facial expressions in check. If it’s someone close, deep down, I wonder if I failed them at all.